Old shoes

Emotion is a weird sort of size. I can keep it up in front of other people, pretend I'm not thinking about what I am, or even caring about it. I can pretend I don't need to talk about it or that it hurts me, but it does. I can pretend I'm not as selfish as I know I am.
I saw you friday night, at the pub with the guys. We hung out, drank, had fun. As I got drunk, you suddenly looked better and better, and I had to shift focus to not hit on you. What kept me going was the thought ''To what end could that possibly be a good idea?''. I knew it was because I was lonely, that I've been needing comfort, that you know me. At 4:30 in the morning, we were the only ones left, and we went home. In the metro, we got in a huge fight about politics as we always do, and it daunt on me why it pisses me off so much that you don't see the world like I do. Because I was disappointed that you weren't as I wanted you to be, then. Even though I still want to touch you and be touched, even though I still want to see the desire in your eyes at time. Despite all that, I know that this is the best for us. You'd hurt me to the core for every time you'd see a different perspective than me, because that translates to a different view on the value of a human being, fugitive, muslim, jew, etc. That the moment in out relationship when I realized how you view the world so much different from me, was the moment I knew you would never understand me. Never condone to my view of thinking, my way of life. My perspective on humanity.
So we argued like crazy in the metro, and somehow the fight shifted from politics to the reason we broke up, then back to politics, and as I reached my stop I hugged you, and said ''We'll never agree'', smiling. Just sort of gave up, because trying to break through to you is exhausting and hopeless.

Ten minutes later I made a huge, drunken mistake. It wasn't ment as anything than to tell you that I still care about you, but it changed everything. I texted you ''I'll always love you, and you'll always piss me off more than anyone''. You answered back a few minutes later, a text in capital letters screaming how you hate yourself for not being able to let me go. You wrote a few more messages pleading like that, and I asked if we should cool it with the friendship thing, but you said no.

The next day, I wrote to ask if you were okay, but you didn't answer. At night, me drunk at a birthday party I wrote again, and still no answer. I know you're moves, you're thoughts right now. I know you'll be gone for a while now.

Distance from the hurt - I'd do the same. Like you did the first time around, when I told you that we weren't getting back together and it broke your heart. I know this is probably the best for you - to not have me texting food-recepies or posting pictures of fun stuff on your wall like a friend would do. You need distance, and I get that.
But right now it feels like I've lost you all over again, just when I started believing I could have you in my life and we could learn to care about each other as friends - right when I started needing you again, you're out. Gone, and I just have to deal with it, because I'm the bitch for needing you in my life when it hurts you to be there.

I know that. It's selfish. It's cruel, but I just keep hoping you'd move on and realize that we're better off now. That we'll always need and love each other, but different, now.  It's an illusion to believe that on your part I guess, and I hate it.
I hate losing you all over again. And I hate that you're hurting and I can't be around to help fix it.
I hate that you're hurting because of me. That I caused it.  That me being in your life is too painful to you.

I'm sorry.