''but often it happens you know
that the things you don't trust are the ones you need most
so it's cautiously into the dark
but you see before long that your eyes will adjust''
I'm in a weird place lately, somewhere with a lot of different shades of grey; Where the same situation can cause conflicting emotions, reactions, thoughts.
If I'm by myself at night, which I usually am, I can't decide if I'm lonely or if I can't stand company. When people talk about their relationsships, it exhaustes me, but at the same time I wish I had something to share.
I got accepted into the selfhelp-group, just got the news today. It's been a great influence on my perspective on dating for the bigger part of a month, when even before that I was scared of getting out there - Now I'm literally terryfied. I see why I'm doing it, and this is something that I'm doing for me. Not a friend, not a boyfriend, not a family member. ME. And I like that thought, but I'm having some trouble seeing how it could conflict with ever meeting someone in the future.
A thought accured to me earlier, that I don't really feel deserving of falling in love. A few of my friends and I had a discussion the other day about ''the fine line between a girl being sexual experienced as a good thing, and a girl being a slut''. A friend said that he knows me, he knows I'm not a slut. But on the other hand, had he met me in town as a single boy, knowing my history with men, he would have never considered me for a relationship to begin with. ''You don't fall in love with the girl, that you just had a threesome with''-
I see why, but I don't agree. I think Solem had it right back then: He knew, and I knew about him, and we viewed each others history as something inspirational, to learn from.
Others might not see it that way. There's no way I'm ever going to be that sweet, innocent girl who just walses in to some boys life all cheery and new. I'm never going to be simple, jolly, easy going. I'm complicated, my past is complicated, I put a thick line between sex and emotion because I just don't see how I'm capable of dealing with the deeper stuff lately. Or, not just lately. At all. That's it, I guess: I don't see myself as capable of dealing with the deep stuff at all. So if I'm not capable of that, how can someone ever get close? How can someone want me enough to fight through that wall, that history, the complications, the guys, the past, the future? Argh.. I'm not even on the marked mentally. I don't want to be.
I guess I'd just like to know that when I want to, I can. Lately I haven't really been that optimistic.
It'll come, though, right? When I've stitched myself back together, sometime soon.
