No safety net

I like being single. I've needed it: Not depending on anyone, being able to live, feel and so as I like. But lately I admit I've been more than close to dialing the number of my ex, not to get back to him or start something new, but just to ask him to hold me, and hold me close.

My friend is sick. The doctors even told her, that if she'd waited and hadn't gone to the hospital when she did, she could have died. There's tubes all around her, she can barely move or speak, not even drink without help. Seeing someone you care about so helpless just makes me wanna scream, cry, break down.

But I don't feel like talking about it, really. It's too scary and exhausting. I just wish I had that special person who would understand that perfectly, and just lay there next to me. I guess being alone all the time has it's downsides. I wish I could just walk trough the door coming home from the hospital, and someone would hold me close and not say anything. Louise and I saw her yesterday, when she was feeling very bad. Airtubes out her nose, coughing, not woise, giant headache. Bad.

Walking out of there, we were both crying, but no one said a word. I took her hand, and we clenched eachothers hands all the way out of the hospital, in the cab home, and didn't let go till we'd had a beer downtown and had eased up a little.

I want that more, right now. Someone who understands, someone who's calm and safe and stronger than I am right now.

I'm the one who got to call the rest of her friends with the scary news, hearing their voices on the phone, the questions, the panic. I'm the one who knows her enough to bring her a smootie, knowing she'd never eat the hospital food. I'm the one who gets to bring the facebook updates, and at least I feel like I'm actually doing something, allthough not enough. But it's all I can do.

If she were here, she'd lay down next to me in the bed, take my hand and play ''A storm is gonna come''. We'd lay there in total silence and look at the ceiling together; I guess she's the closest I come to being in a relationship these days. Without the funky stuff, though.

I need someone else to be strong enough for me, and that's when I think of him. How he was always stronger, how I didn't really need to say anything if I didn't want to. How, when he put his arms around me, I knew I was in total safety.

I need to feel safe again.